What If? Pondering the Possibilities of Being a Woman of God

There it is, one of the most dangerous punctuation marks in the English language – a question mark.  With it’s non-conformist curving of its head as if it’s staring at you, head cocked to one side in puzzlement, it marinates on what is and then with a definite leap into the unknown, it jumps to the future point – what could be. 

To question something or someone can be dangerous, especially when it comes to the church, the Bible, our roles as men, women, and children.  But that is where I am and have been for some time when it comes to the role of women in the church and in the world, head cocked to one side, pondering the what is while the very core of my soul aches for the what could be.

Since high school, God has had me on a path, which has caused many folks to cock their head to the side when they look at me, learn about me, and try to decipher me – it is that of a single female leader devoted to God. 

In the world, my never-married-but-hope-to-one-day state of singleness as a 30-something has baffled many along with my Biblical views on relationships.  These views clash with such a sex-driven, you-have-to-have-somebody-in-your-life-or-you’re-nobody worldly mentality. 

In the church, my calling to be a leader as a woman has given rise to comments belittling the position, saying a man must have been disobedient to his calling so God called in the second string - He called in a woman. 

As a single woman in women’s ministry, I, along with many other women in various stages of life have been silently shunned because we don’t fit the age, marital status, kid quota, or demographic currently prevailing. I know I’m not alone.  I know there are more stories out there, different stories from women who for some time have had their hearts groaning for something more.

And what if there is more to our stories as women?  What if our God-given purposes went beyond these artificial barriers and into the unknown, choppy waters, calling us to gaze into the eyes of our Jesus, step out of the boat, think differently, and courageously follow Him?  What would that look like for us individually?  Would that open our eyes to see past lies and value what we already have just a bit more?  What would that look like for us collectively as women of God across demographic and denominational lines? What would that look like for the church?  The world?  Can we do this?  Do we want to do this?  It is exciting and scary to envision at the same time.

I am filled with more questions and no answers but I am pondering and have discovered I am not alone.  There is a group of women who have come together and started the If Gathering, a place to come together as women across denominational lines and allow God to break down barriers to unleash our God-given purposes.  It has given me food for thought and encouragement. 

What I do know is this: through my seeking, my questioning, I have always found my Jesus - my brave, audacious, holy, unconditionally loving Jesus, always walking with me, guiding me, carrying me at times on my journey to the ever-fixed future point found in Him alone.

Questioning is powerful.  Coupled with prayer - collective, seeking, gut-groaning, heart-spilling, prayer can cause ideas to grow, visions to materialize, and opportunities to present themselves – opportunities to leap to that never-before-seen future point - to embrace the what could be in our lives. 

And We Dance Again: An intimate look inside a relationship with God

They are all around me – flutterings and pleasantries, tinklings and treasures vying for my attention, stroking my emotions, especially when trying to keep my eyes on You, my God. 

It begins with us, You and I, alone in our secret place, dreaming our dreams, dancing our dance, and quenching my ever-needing thirst for Your presence and wisdom. 

Then they show up and I look away, I blink, and for that moment they become the answer to my quenching thirst, the answers to my longings, pushing forward like a concert mob, grabbing for my heart, all the while pushing You further and further away. 

As I blink, trying to refocus, I see glimpses of You in these glitterings but they do not fill the God-shaped hole in my heart no matter how hard I try to make them fit.  I realize I want You more. 

“Where are You?” I cry! 

And then I hear it, a quiet whisper resounding like a gong in my heart - Your voice, Your love - You are calling for me, “Here I am!”  The crowd grows dim in comparison to You and there we are again, You and I, alone in our secret place, me at Your feet wrapped in Your embrace, melting under the garment of Your forgiveness and grace.  How You love me! 

Recklessly abandoned to your moldings and refinings, You shape and mend me into the beauty You saw in me all along. 

Raising my eyes to meet Yours, a gaze which has seen eternity fills my being with a holy fire and unexplainable peace, mesmerizing both body and soul, inviting me to continue where we left off.  I bow, and we dance again.

“If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.” 

– C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

 “There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of every person, and it can never be filled by any created thing. It can only be filled by God, made known through Jesus Christ.”
- Blaise Pascal, Pensees

“You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you.” 

– St. Augustine, Confessions

 “He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”

- Ecclesiastes 3:11 NIV 

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

 - Psalm 139:13-16 NIV

“This is what the Lord says, he who made the earth, the Lord who formed it and established it—the Lord is his name: ‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’”

- Jeremiah 33:3-4 NIV

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord.”  

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-->Jeremiah 29:11 – 14a NIV

Life's Tweaking Moments

When I submit a document to my boss for review, it never fails.  She will edit it, rework it, and make a few changes here and there before it is distributed to the powers that be.  I’ve come to learn this about her.  She’s a tweaker (not a meth head as the Urban Dictionary would suggest).

I consider myself a fairly good writer but know each person has their own style, their own voice. In my previous job, my boss and I were on the same page (no pun intended!).  Any document I gave to her for review rarely came back with edits while my colleagues dreaded receiving the wounded document filled with blood red scratchings and scribblings.  It was frustrating for them because they felt they could never please her.

Now that the tables have turned and I stare at the reworked remains of my voice, I’ve learned to appreciate it.  I’ve realized she tweaks because she has our department’s best interest in mind.  From my vantage point, I am not always privy to the audience perceptions, the history, or politics associated with the subject matter, but she is.  She has the big picture in mind and through her lens; she tweaks, refines, hones, plucks, and caresses a work of synergistic art that is better than my own. 

It is my goal to continue to learn the writing style of my boss so I can write in her voice and effectively represent her (while hopefully eliminating some tweaking).  Such is the same with our relationship with God.  It can be frustrating and painful when we feel God’s trimming, chopping, and burning away at our hearts.  At times it feels like we can never measure up and we’re right.  We can’t.  Not on our own because His style is so foreign to us.  That’s why He tweaks because He sees the big picture.  He sees the good plans He has for us, which we may only have a glimmer of a dream nestled deep in our souls.  Yet He blows His refining fire on that ember of His image with the goal that His plans will be realized and His glory will be noticeable in these mortal vessels of clay. 

So as my goal is to reflect my boss’ voice in the documents I create, it is our goal as image bearers of Christ to reflect Him in the hope that others will see Him and answer His call for their life.

(Note: I realize I am dreadfully behind on posting my job hunt chronicles and my adventures this past year.  I hope to have more posts soon.)