It’s always there lingering in the back of my mind, that one question which makes me anticipate the worst.
It’s been nine months since I was deemed cancer-free. Such a title I never thought I would have need to welcome into my life, but do so gratefully.
During these months, I’ve had time to rediscover myself while I adjust to the new ‘no thyroid’ side of normal. The proper medication dosage has been determined, my thyroid levels are where they should be, and my weight returned to its pre-surgery range, making my clothes and I much happier.
With such distance between then and now, one may be inclined to think, “Yea! The battle’s over! I can relax, put this behind me and get on with my life.”
But just when my body feels safe to give a sigh of relief, it happens. I get a cold or the flu that hangs on for longer than I think it should. I forget things I normally would remember or I get dizzy riding a short distance in a car when that never was the case. Like an aftershock to a devastating earthquake, every abnormal health issue that presents itself awakens that dreaded question in the back of my head, “Is the cancer back?”
I recently found that I’m not alone in these feelings. I met a lady in her late 30’s at a writer’s conference who was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had just undergone a double mastectomy and was writing a book about her experience. In our conversation, she mentioned she’s always wondering if every little ailment she has is a symptom of the cancer coming back. I hadn’t really thought about it, but I was having the same feelings.
Just because I was given the cancer-free title doesn’t mean I’m off the hook. I will need to have a body scan every year to see if the title still rings true. It reminds me of when I was a victim of identity theft in college. My purse was stolen out of my car while I was paying for gas. Even though that ordeal happened years ago, I still check my credit report yearly because I never know if suspicious activity will appear.
I admit when my doctor reminded me of this at my last appointment, I wasn’t thrilled for this very reason – cancer won’t let me go despite our breakup. Even though this initial ordeal is done, cancer is still part of my reality, even if it is a lingering thought.
I’m a little gun-shy of doctors right now. The New Year has come and gone. With that come reminders to schedule my yearly physical, eye exam, and any other routine medical appointment. I still have yet to do so although I know I need to. I don’t want to go and have the doctor find something else wrong with me, having yet another ordeal to go through when I just began to catch my breath from the last one. I know this can’t be avoided and face it, with age come additional ailments. We live in a broken, fallen world where no one has escaped alive, except for One.
While I may always carry this lingering question with me, it is during Easter that I am reminded of this – I have been saved by the One who defeated death, Jesus Christ. I have been made new in His eyes.
Through Christ’s death and resurrection, I know the trials I face during my life are temporary. I have been given hope that one day, what has been made new in my spirit will be made new in my flesh. This hope is one I gladly anticipate.
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