I've noticed a pattern these past few months, one I was hoping to be a flook or at least short lived. But like an annoying piece of tape stuck to my finger, it won't seem to go away. Every month, feelings of sadness stir within in me, daring me to cry, and leaving me to question, "Why am I so sad?" This is not me.
Anyone that knows me is aware I'm a happy sort of person, a personal cheer leader even though I was not an actual one in high school. It's not in my nature to not smile or laugh. I found this out early in life when I had to take school pictures in the 3rd grade. These prints had two photos on one page - one smiley and one straight-faced. I had the smiley photo down but the straight-faced one always ended up looking like I was mad or my lips were at war with the laugh that was trying to break through. This was confirmed a few years ago when I dressed as a Gothic plaid girl for a high school camp spirit day. The black stringy-haired wig and black lipstick clashed with the happy smiley persona hidden under the plaid dress, fishnet stockings, and black combat boots. I freaked the heck out people! I realized at that point I could never be goth.
Lately though I've felt like part of the Gothic plaid girl has come back, not in my outward appearance but in the sadness that seems to touch my soul. I began to question myself to see if there's any validity to these feelings. I have had a stressful few months filled with death, heartbreak, and additional job challenges. Each of these events has warranted time to process. This sadness though seems to happen on a regular basis, a week before my period. Could this be PMS? I've never had PMS before, not until I had my surgery last year. It was then my hormones went crazy due to the estrogen overpowering the lack of thyroid hormones in my body. It felt like my body had become possessed by a pregnant woman who all of a sudden started going through menopause. I had hot flashes, major body aches, was extremely weepy, and my body was swelling in places I didn't think possible but might have welcomed if circumstances were different. This freaked me out! I frantically googled my symptoms praying for some clarity as to what was happening to me. My doctor didn't seem fazed by the ordeal as he confirmed the hormone imbalance. I wish he would have warned me but how can you prepare for that!
Thankfully a year later, my symptoms are not that extreme but still leave me to question. The last tests showed my levels were normal but now I'm not sure. Adding additional symptoms of excessive tiredness and joint pains in my hips cause the question to linger.
On a positive note, I had a follow up ultrasound in June of my neck which showed no cancer. I will meet with my doctor later this month to discuss the balancing of this happy (and hopefully temporary) Gothic plaid girl. Thank goodness the black lipstick isn't permanent!
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