The Waning

I inadvertently became part of a winter solstice celebration while on my Christmas gift delivery route to a couple of auntie-like friends of mine. Their eccentric nature full of wisdom and adventures makes them fun to be around but at times causes you to ponder their beliefs and your own. This was one of those times.

When I think of this sort of celebration, my mind is filled with visions of hooded figures dressed in black, dancing around a raging bonfire which casts monstrous shadows on the Stonehenge-like megalith that surrounds them as they offer up a burnt sacrifice of a not-so-lucky lamb. Needless to say, I was a bit skeptical when I was invited to join the festivities, but when I found out it was not going to be anything like I envisioned, I cautiously agreed. It turned out to be enLIGHTening.

While winter solstice celebrations vary and can be quite elaborate, this gathering was small, quaint – just the three of us and their dog who checked in on us through the course of the evening.

Winter solstice marks the day with the shortest amount of daylight. From this day on, the daylight will progressively get longer and the darkness that dominates in these winter months will not be as prevalent. The imbalance of light and dark is not as noticeable where I live if compared to those living in Alaska or the other cities and countries that dominate the Northern Hemisphere, but it has been noticeable within me.

The point of this celebration was to wane, to get rid of the darkness in our lives and welcome the light back into it. Sitting in a semi-circle each with a glass of wine and a fruit and cheese platter, we began to wane. The question was simple: “What are two or three things you would like to wane from your life?” It didn’t take me long to answer this question since God had already began working with me on these, evidenced by the tears that were fighting their way through my eyes like a dam waiting to explode.

2008 has not been great. Granted, there were some good things that happened this year, but there were certain events that wounded me deeply, specifically dealing with relationships. A longtime friendship ended; the church as a whole failed me; and a family disagreement was nastily handled. Each of these attacks caught me off guard and like a knife slashed my heart. Those I least expected broke my heart.

Sitting in my chair pondering my response, I realized I had been building a protective wall around my heart causing me to be skeptical of everyone and hold most people at a distance, including God. The wall had grown tall. Instead of a fortress, it had become a dungeon, leaving me in darkness clinging fiercely to my desires and broken pieces much like Gollum in “Lord of the Rings” with only a little window to which light shown down. I wanted out. I wanted to be free again.

These past few weeks, the ears of my heart had become sensitive to a gentle knocking outside the wall, drawing me closer to the patch of Godlight dancing amidst the darkness.

A friend had asked me how my book was coming to which I replied, “It’s not.” I had no inspiration on what to write which was frustrating. He gently replied, “How are your quiet times with God?” I sheepishly said, “Not as good as they should be.” Really, they were pretty much non-existent. “Perhaps you should use your writing time as your quiet time with God to help you get inspiration,” he gently suggested. He was right. My inspiration needed to come from God and I had blocked him out.

For the past two Sundays, my new pastor spoke on the topic of surrender. He encouraged the congregation (which meets in a 1900’s authentic movie theater) to look at what we’re clinging to in our lives. We need to live our lives with our palms facing upward, surrendering all to Him. He was right. I had been clinging to desires that better belonged in God’s hands, not my own.

God wanted to break down my wall and fill me with His light. In the course of explaining this in not as much detail to the auntie-like ladies, I discovered the two things I wanted to wane: pride and control. Once we all made our declarations, we drank our glass of wine, leaving an empty glass for light fill.

The second question was just as simple: “What are two or three things you wish to fill you?” For me it's discipline and inspiration. I’m looking to have a well-balanced life physically, mentally, and spiritually. I have already made exercise a habit. This year, I have some lofty goals to pursue which take discipline – continued writing on my book; spend more time with the college girls in the Christian club I’m a facilitator for, Otter Christian Fellowship; and applying to grad school. I look to make writing and quiet times with God daily habits.

As far as inspiration, I am planning a trip to England, Scotland, and Ireland for April 2009. I’m quite excited as these are places I’ve longed to visit, partly because of my ancestry but also to see the places where many of the Jane Austen books materialized in film such as Mr. Darcy’s Pemberley in Pride and Prejudice.

After we said how we wanted light to fill our lives, a winter solstice story from another country was read and comically enhanced by the sporadic addition of hand drums and the flute as we deemed fit. We all sang a song that had to do with welcoming the light ranging from “Come on Baby Light my Fire” to our own made-up lyrics. With palms facing upward, we concluded the festivities in prayer, reflecting on the celebration and officially welcomed the light into this New Year and into our lives.

Each act of surrender has allowed more and more bricks to crumble down around my heart, allowing the light to kiss my face and heal my wounds, freeing my heart to dance.

Even though this celebration was inadvertent, it was needed. Even though I was giving Christmas gifts to dear friends, they gave me something far better – the gift of waning. Thankfully, the festivities were not full of hooded figures dressed in black as my first thoughts conjured images of. Rather, it did take me to the heart of the matter – welcoming the light into our lives.

Christmas is a winter solstice celebration that reminds us of the spiritual light that entered the world through God’s son, Jesus Christ, waning off the darkness that would be our forever fate. He gently knocks eager to love, heal, protect, and empower. We just need to welcome His Sonlight into our lives. May 2009 be filled with God’s light in your life.