The Cancer Chronicles VIII: A New Kind of Normal

I AM CANCER-FREE!! Yes, I found the result out today from my iodine scans. They only found two places on the left side of my neck where the iodine concentrated itself on left over thyroid tissue, most likely from my first thyroid surgery. This is considered ‘normal’. The next step will be to focus on adjusting the dosage of my thyroid medication. I will meet up in a few weeks with my thyroid doctor for monitoring. My nuclear medicine doctor says I don’t have to come back to see him anymore, unless I want to visit or say hi. I smiled but declined the invitation. I am quite relieved at hearing the news, but am still in a state of shock, not fully able to comprehend what has just happened.

I long to be ‘me’ again. This is my desire. I think of the magical characters in Disney’s “Beauty and the Beast.” Due to no fault of their own, they were turned into objects, loosing their human form, their normal way of living. How they wistfully sang the line “to be human again.” In an odd way, I can relate.

This is the first week since my surgery where I have felt like me. I have normal energy and am greatly encouraged to be on the road to resuming my normal routine. I’m working full days and resumed exercising. I’m a bit sore but my stamina is there, I believe due to making exercise part of my life prior to the surgery. My surgeon says the scar, while being deemed ‘angry’ due to its redness, is healing quite nicely. Since I now have my energy back, I thought I could resume living my life as I always have, put this chapter behind me, resume some control of my life, but I was wrong.

Although my swelling has subsided for the most part, I am now starting to deal with the emotions of being diagnosed with cancer and the whirlwind of adventures that have come with it these past few weeks. I had a horrible nightmare a couple nights ago where I woke up screaming. I can’t remember the last time this has happened. I still have periods where I break into tears. I’ve gained 4-5 pounds. From what I’ve read and discussed with my doctor, these symptoms are ‘normal’, as it will take a few weeks/ months for my thyroid hormone levels to stabilize. I’ve only been back on my medication a little over a week. I have a ways to go.

I think the other component is realizing I’m not in control of my life, like I ever was. I am vulnerable. Bad things can happen to me and frankly, one just did called cancer. It violated me. It has taken part of me away that I can never get back. It has caused an increase of fear and anxiety in me because I couldn’t prevent it. I am grieving and sad and angry and grateful and thankful, all at the same time. I feel like I’m loosing my mind. However, I’m told this too, is ‘normal’ as I’ve just undergone a traumatic, life-changing experience.

So far, this journey to ‘normal’ has been the scariest part. It’s like I’ve come out of the fog-encrusted woods, grateful to have the warmth of the sun caress my face, to be deemed ‘cancer-free’, to be home, only to realize this was just a clearing in the midst of the trees. A forest fire of emotions forebodingly lies in my path and I must somehow venture through. I am not done and don’t know when life will be ‘normal’ again or what ‘normal’ will even look like for me. I feel like a foreigner in my own body, trying to learn the customs, putting away my presuppositions about how life is supposed to be. This is a whole new world with a new kind of ‘normal’. I must constantly remember to be patient with myself and take each day one step at a time as I get my bearings.

As a result of this realization, I have lost trust in myself for the time being. My intuition has been shot as I originally thought this nodule to be benign. I was proven wrong. I would like to say everything will be all right from now on with no more troubles, but I can’t. None of us can. Life is not a fairytale. We’ve never had the assurance that life would be easy. We only have the promise we’ll never go through it alone.

As I start to deal with the emotions of having and now DEFEATING cancer, I must accept these truths: God is good. Bad stuff happens. I am not in control. Therefore, I am dependent on a good God to get me through the bad stuff. And He will. He already has!
I will resume my place in the safety of His hands as I enter this firestorm of emotions. I am thankful for those of you willing to venture this storm with me. As gold must be heated to be purified, it is my hope that what the fire doesn’t consume will purify instead, leaving me changed for the better.

Cancer has opened my eyes to my own mortality, bringing a reverberating awareness that life on this earth is temporary. For months now, I’ve been looking forward to Maui, having this trip celebrate turning 30 and the accomplishments of having a good job, the means to go on this trip in the first place, and the achievement of being in the best shape of my life. While these are good reasons to celebrate, they no longer are my focus. This trip is a celebration of life and the person I am becoming. Like the phoenix rising from the ashes, I have been given a new chance at life. I may never be considered ‘normal’ again, but ‘normal’ is overrated anyway.